


When The Pillar Crumbles

by EzzyDean



Category: Free!
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-31
Updated: 2013-12-31
Packaged: 2018-01-06 20:11:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1111029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EzzyDean/pseuds/EzzyDean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being the dependable one isn't all it's cracked up to be.  Sometimes you break no matter how strong you are.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He slammed the door shut behind him in a burst of anger.  Frustration was something he was familiar with.  With two younger siblings and a handful of friends who acted like children at times it was a given.  But anger wasn’t something he felt often and he almost never let it affect his actions.  But the heat hadn’t dropped below barely tolerable in weeks and he had been acting as peacemaker for everyone more than usual lately.  

 

Twice he had to convince Nagisa that Rei didn’t hate him.  He had split up his siblings three times this week.  There was even that argument between Kou and, of all people, Rei.  It was natural to him take care of others so it was always his responsibility and usually he didn’t mind it.  It was nice to feel important and needed to his friends.  But trying to mediate a fight between his two best friends for the sixth time in less than two weeks was just ridiculous.  Despite being worn down, bone deep exhausted, he had tried to calm Rin and Haru down and step in on their fight.  When Rin instinctively snarled at him with hatred in his red eyes and told him to go away, while Haru watched silently with those fathomless blue eyes of his, he had felt something deep inside himself snap.  Jaw clenched, eyes narrowed, back stiff he had turned around without saying another word and left.

Peering up at the sky he frowned, another uncharacteristic trait sneaking up.  Not a cloud in sight; the heat wasn’t fading anytime soon.  His eyes shut and a sigh slipped out as he heard a crash inside followed by muffled arguing.  Turning left he let his long legs carry him aimlessly through the neighborhood.  When had the honor of helping his friends through their hardships turned into a burden?  When had the joy of being their support changed into bitterness?  Was it just the heat getting to him or was he no longer the person he used to be?  Makoto wasn’t sure which thought scared him more.  The idea that he was slipping into some heat induced rage of some kind or the idea that he didn’t know who he was anymore.  Reaching the small park just a few blocks from the bus station he was hit with a wave of exhaustion so strong he just dropped to the ground beneath the nearest trees with a groan.  His body was exhausted but his brain was still circling on itself.  Was there something wrong with him?  Was there something wrong with his friends?  

_Really_ , he thought as he listened to the kids laughing in the park,  _is there any reason for two people as old as Rin and Haru to fight like that?  There’s no way it’s healthy._  Glancing over as footsteps approached he let out a harsh laugh.   _There’s no way me acting like their babysitter all the time is healthy either, I’m sure._   If it had been any of his friends who had walked off like that he would have been after them in a matter of minutes.  But would anyone come after him?  Would any of them even know where to look for him?  He knew the most common places to find his friends when they were feeling upset.  His eyes widened in panic.   _How well do any of them even know me?_   A cold drop of water hit his forehead and he blinked in surprise as a bottle of water appeared in his vision.

"You looked like you could use something to drink."  Bright green eyes under messy brown hair looked down at him in concern.  "It’s too hot to wander around without water ya know.  So we thought we’d share."  The little boy grinned when Makoto took the bottle and ran off to join his friends before he could even be thanked.  Swallowing half the bottle in a couple gulps before dropping back to the ground Makoto tried to slow his thoughts.  But no matter how hard he tried they all kept turning back to the same point.  His friends were really just fine without him.  The only time any of them had him around anymore was when they needed to vent or when there was a fight going on.  He knew they were all busy with their own lives, but that didn’t change the fact that it hurt that no one called him up for a movie or to play games anymore.  He had tried so hard to keep them all together once they had started the club and this was the thanks he got.  The only people this week who had cared at all about his well being were some random child and his friends.  

The blue sky peeking through the leaves was crushing him and suddenly he was running.  Sprinting through the neighborhood, dodging people and obstacles with surprising agility.  No matter how fast he ran he couldn’t get away from the feeling of panic chasing him.  It was getting closer and closer and any moment it was going to wrap its chilled fingers around his throat and hold him down.  His breath was harder to catch and he could feel the sweat pouring down his back.  But he wouldn’t stop.  Couldn’t stop.  As he turned the corner, barely able to breathe and most likely only moving on sheer adrenaline, he crashed into someone.  They both went sprawling, scraping knees and palms and elbows across the cement.  A pair of angry red eyes looked past him for a moment, searching for whatever was chasing Makoto, before focusing in on him.

"Makoto.  What the fuck?  What the hell is wrong with you?"  Rin demanded as he stood up, looking over his injuries.  Makoto stared up at Rin as his words sunk in and Rin could only look back in shock.

"What  _is_  wrong with me?”  Makoto, voice wavering as tears dripped down his cheeks, asked staring blankly past Rin. 

"Ma-Makoto?"


	2. Chapter 2

"What did you do to him?"  Haru’s harsh voice broke the silence as he cleaned the scrapes on Rin’s elbow.  He had already taken care of Makoto’s injuries; the larger boy just sat there on the couch without saying a word the entire time, the only sound an occasional sniffle as he blinked away tears.

 

"Why the hell are you accusing me?  I told you already.  I was out looking for him and I turned a corner and he crashed into me.  He looked like he was being chased by a murderer or something."  Rin winced when Haru slapped a bandage on his elbow and then started to clean the scrapes on his knees.  "Then he said something weird and started that creepy silent crying thing he’s doing now."  Haru glanced up from his spot next to Rin on the floor to Makoto, obviously trying to piece things together, his voice quiet yet harsh when he answered Rin.

"I’m obviously accusing you because you brought Makoto back crying.  You’re supposed to be the crybaby, not him."  Quickly putting the bandages on Rin’s knees Haru sighed.  "What weird thing did he say?"  Haru noticed Rin shifted on the floor as he cleaned up the first aid materials, suddenly uncomfortable.

"Well after I picked myself up from being slammed into by him I asked him was was wrong."

"You asked him?"

"I may have asked what the hell was wrong with him."  When Haru’s eyes snapped back to him Rin groaned.  "I know.  Okay?  I didn’t know what to think.  Makoto had just tackled me to the ground.  I just, you know, reacted."  Haru waited for Rin to continue, face blank except for the anger in his eyes.  "Then he said ‘what  _is_ wrong with me’ and started crying with that blank look on his face.”

"I wonder if he’s even hearing us."  Haru mused as the two boys watched their friend sniffle and absently wipe the tears from his cheeks.  Rin groaned and dropped his face onto his hands, wincing a little as he brushed the scrapes on his palms.

"I didn’t want to upset him.  If that’s what happened.  It’s just, you know."  His voice quieted as he talked, a sure sign that he felt guilty.  "It’s so hot lately and I never think before I talk.  He knows that.  You know that."

"Anyone who’s talked to you more than five minutes knows that."  Haru interrupted, stretching his legs in front of him.  "What we don’t know is what’s wrong with him.  Or how to help him."

"Should we tell anyone?  Like, I dunno, call his parents or Nagisa or someone?"  Rin fell back onto the floor with a quiet thump and gazed up at Makoto.  It was hard to look at his friend in this state but he didn’t know what to do.  Makoto had snapped in a way he had never seen anyone snap.  Yelling he could deal with.  Crying he could manage.  Angry sobbing he could handle.  But this silent, blank, steady crying?  Just watching Makoto like this made him feel, well, wrong.  Like he was seeing something taboo.  He had to shut his eyes.

"What would we tell them?  That Makoto stormed out and when we found him he was running like he was being hunted and then he started crying?"

"That does sound, um, a bit -"

"Crazy?"

"Definitely not like Makoto.  They’d probably think we were trying to make a joke.  Damn."  Rin heard Haru get up and put away the first aid kit and then settle on the floor near the couch.  "So now what?"

"I’m going to wait here.  He’ll come out of it eventually."  Haru didn’t have to tell Rin that he was worried Makoto wouldn’t come out of it.  Rin had already thought of it himself.

"Well I was already supposed to be here this weekend.  So I’ve got nowhere else to be."  The whir of the air conditioner soon lulled both boys into an uneasy sleep.  Visions of Makoto’s flushed and frightened face haunted Rin while blank teary-faced Makoto’s chased Haru.  They both shot awake when they heard the front door close, eyes instantly focusing on the couch.  Makoto was gone.  Trying to untangle themselves from blankets they hadn’t fallen asleep with they both stumbled into the hallway.  Haru threw open the door as Rin tripped on the landing.  All that greeted them was the sweltering heat, not caring that the sun was setting, and the buzz of the insects.  Makoto’s large frame was nowhere to be seen.

Several angry and accusing calls and texts between their group of friends - and several days - later Haru finally got an answer from Makoto’s parents.  Makoto was taking some time away from things and didn’t want anyone, even Haru, to disturb him.

That was it.  No apologies for worrying them.  No words of comfort saying he’d be back soon.  Makoto was just…. gone.  Leaving them all to replay their last conversations with him, each hoping they’d be the one with an answer.


	3. Chapter 3

There was hope for them not melting yet.  It had been almost three weeks but the heat wave was supposed to break soon.  Makoto had been gone almost a week and they had tried getting together a few days ago to talk about what had happened.  Nagisa wasn’t sure if it what happened that night was due to the heat, which had been disgustingly clinging to the city forever it seemed, or the fact that they all seemed to be tiptoeing through broken glass around each other.  But what had started out as a simple get together had turned into a full blown fight.  

Gou had actually had to step between Haru and Rin, forcing them to stop and not hit her when they had aimed at each other. All because Rei had snapped at Nagisa and then Haru had scolded Rei.  When Gou had said to stop Haru scoffed at her.  Then Rin got pissed at Haru and - Nagisa groaned as the sweat dripped off his face, leaving dark spots on the ground between his feet.  They were just no good without Makoto with them.

The last time he even got to talk to Makoto about was when he had called Makoto in a panic because Rei has gotten upset and left one day when they had been hanging out.  He had been sure that Rei hated him and Makoto was the one he called to help calm him down.  He had needed Makoto to reassure him.  Watching the cloudless sky, Nagisa wondered where Makoto was, how he was doing, if he was okay.  It had been months since he had invited Nagisa over to play games and watch movies with the twins and even longer since Nagisa had dragged him to a movie or park.  Nagisa sighed.  Then shot to his feet.

Was that it?  Was that the piece they had been missing?

——

When Rin answered the door Rei almost took a step back.

"What do you want?"  These red eyes were much more intense than the pair he was used to.

"Um, I’m here to return a book that Gou lent me."  After studying him for a minute, sun beating down on Rei’s neck, Rin gestured for him to follow and led him into the kitchen where he and Gou had apparently been having a snack.

"Oh!  Rei!  Good to see you!"  He nodded and handed her the book, blushing slightly, which caused Rin to glare at him.

"What about my little sister has got you so embarrassed?”  Gou huffed at her brother and lightly smacked him with the book.

"He’s probably remembering the stupid argument we had last time.”  It had been another hot day in a string of even hotter days and Rei had run into Gou coming out of a convenience store.  They had gotten to talking, each forgetting what they were there for, and when Rei suddenly remembered in a panic he had gotten flustered.  The water he had been drinking before meeting Gou was still uncapped and the condensation had made it slippery, causing him to spill it on the book Gou had been reading.

Seeing Rin’s slightly bored face Gou picked up the story.

"It was my favorite book and I had just gotten a new copy of it.  I got mad at him and stormed off, refusing to talk to him.  Makoto found out about it and got us to calm down.  Rei was kind enough to clean the book up almost as good as new and bring it to me."

"So you had to have Makoto play peacemaker because this idiot spilled water on your book?"  The sarcasm in Rin’s voice was thick enough to smother them and the other two flushed.

"Like he never has to do it for you and Haru?"  Gou countered as Rei shifted in the doorway watching them stare each other down.  "Even the day he left he was trying to stop some stupid argument."

"No argument I’ve ever had with Haru is as stupid as not talking because of some book."

"Oh yeah?  Well at least I’m actually nice to Makoto and invite him over to hang out once in awhile.  When was the last time you bothered to do even that much?"  Rei’s eyes widened as the siblings continued to argue.  Could that be it?  He couldn’t even remember the last time he and Makoto had gotten together.  Yet every time he and Nagisa had argued, it was Makoto who had helped settled it.  Every time he had heard about Rin and Haru fighting Makoto had chuckled and said not to worry because he had handled it.  Was it really something as simple as that?  Had they really all been that selfish and blind?

"You two be quiet for a minute."  Rin’s eyes snapped to Rei and Gou’s mouth popped open.  "I think I figured something out."

—-

He had realized what happened when the twins ran into him on the street the day after he had talked to Makoto’s parents.  They had asked him what he and everyone else had been so busy with lately.

"What do you mean?"  He looked at them, confused.  No one had been up to anything lately.  It had been too hot this summer to even really think about doing anything.

"Well Makoto is always home anymore and none of you come over and play with us."  Ren had replied, his brown eyes meeting Haru’s blue eyes briefly.  Ran tugged at Haru’s arm gently, her green eyes questioning him as she spoke.

"And anytime we asked where you all were Makoto kinda looked sad but he smiled and said you were all pretty busy and that," she tried to mimic her big brother’s soft voice, “‘none of us are kids anymore.’  He would smile but his eyes didn’t really shine.  Ya know?"  Haru felt his eyes widen as everything fell into place.  So that’s what happened.  He knelt down in front of the twins and put his arms around them.

"I may have a favor to ask of you two later.  But don’t tell anyone, okay?"  They nodded in sync and headed back towards home when he stood up.  He knew what happened and what needed to be done.  But he didn’t think it would mean what it needed to if he explained it to the others.  They had to figure it out themselves.  He just hoped it wouldn’t take them too long, Makoto needed them.


	4. Chapter 4

Haru opened the door and walked away without saying anything.  This was going to be one of those nights that decided where everyone went from here.  This past month had shown them one thing for sure.  Without Makoto around they didn’t really have much of friendship.  

It took everything they had not to start arguments when they talked, even via texting, and it was exhausting.  Haru sat back down and started flipping through the magazine on the table.  Nagisa followed him in and looked around.  Rin and Gou were already here, sitting against the far wall.  Leaning up against the doorway Nagisa started fidgeting.  He was worried this was going to go the wrong way and that after tonight they would all go their separate ways and that scared him.  Him!  Someone who laughed at scary movies.  When the doorbell rang he jumped and hurried down the hall to the door, even though it was Haru’s place.  Rei awkwardly nodded to him when he flung open the door and slipped past him.  Nagisa started to shut the door and then froze.  At the end of the road he saw a tall figure watching.  He cautiously waved and then went back inside.  Was that really Makoto?  He’d been gone for almost a month now.  Would this really work?  Nagsia hurried back down the hall and collapsed on the floor across from Haru.

Makoto stood outside of the house and stared up at the blue sky.  A month ago he had stormed out and then later that night he had snuck out of this very same house.  He had cut off all communication with his friends.   He had ignored their texts, deleted their voice mails without listening to them, hidden himself away from them.  The only reason he was here now was because Ren and Ran had insisted he come.  Everyone was worried about him they had said.  Haru had come over one day with a black eye.  They had found Nagisa in Makoto’s bedroom sitting on the floor staring at his tv.  Rei had been seen walking by frequently, nose stuck in a book but he never turned the pages.  They had run into Gou at the convenience store down the block and Rin had been inside too.  He sighed.  What exactly did they want from him?  

He didn’t even bother knocking, just walked in and headed to where he figured everyone was.  He had seen Nagisa and then Rei come in and, judging by the shoes near the door, Gou and Rin were here too.  These were his friends, right?  So why was he so nervous about seeing them today?  Was he afraid that they were going to be mad at him?  Disappointed maybe?  He sighed and stepped into the room.  No one really looked at any one else, everyone but Rin and Gou were as far apart as possible, and the room was silent except for Haru’s flipping pages in the magazine.  Makoto sat down next to the doorway and suddenly Nagisa was in his lap.  He didn’t say anything, he just flung himself in Makoto’s lap and wrapped himself around him.  Makoto couldn’t be sure Nagisa was crying but when Nagisa kind of shuddered Makoto felt his eyes water.

"I’m so sorry, Makoto."  Nagisa whispered, tightening his grip.  "I never meant to be so thoughtless."  Makoto sat in silence as Nagisa shuddered again and sniffled into his chest.  "I hope you can forgive me.  Forgive all of us."  He felt a hand on his shoulder and glanced up into Gou’s eyes.

"We’ve all been pretty bad at being friends these last few months."  She gave him a small smile.  "And I’m sorry about that.  We all get so wrapped up in ourselves and forget how to be friends.  But you’ve never forgotten.  I hope you don’t hate us."  She gave him a hug and ruffled Nagisa’s hair a little before settling back down next to Rin.  She gave her brother a pointed look and he shook his head at her.  Rei was squatting next to Makoto right now, softly talking to him.

"I know I haven’t known you as long as the others but I just want to tell you thank you.  You’ve given me so much and I feel like such a horrible person that it’s taken me this long to tell you how much that means to me.  I wish it hadn’t taken you getting to this point before I realized that."  He smiled at Makoto and who nodded to him.

"I know."  He murmured and Rei sighed in relief.  Nagisa’s hand shot out from Makoto’s back and tugged Rei onto Makoto’s lap with him.

"Nagisa, let me go."  He tried to pull himself away but Nagisa was stronger than he looked and, not wanting to hurt himself, he gave up and let himself be pressed into Makoto’s side by Nagisa who was still sniffling a little.

"No.  I don’t wanna.  I don’t want any of you to go.  If I let go of you guys again then this time you might not come back."  Everyone was practically holding their breath as Nagisa spoke.  The lighthearted smile that usually graced his voice was nowhere to be heard.  "Rin was gone for so long and I was so scared and I thought we’d never get him back."  He actually started crying this time and everyone could tell.  Nagisa was not a quiet crier.  Rin groaned and crawled over to them lightly hitting Nagisa’s shoulder.

"You little brat."  He met Makoto’s eyes and sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.  "You know I didn’t really mean for you to leave, right?  I was just pissy and in my normal pissy way I screwed up bad and snapped at you.  You’re the one who’s always been there for me and like a jerk I was only thinking about myself.  I don’t deserve for you to forgive me, so it’s okay if you can’t."  Gou scooted over beside her brother and smiled at him.  He had changed somewhere along the line and she was glad.  Makoto dropped his head against the wall and closed his eyes.  These were his friends.  They weren’t mad at him, not really.  They were worried.  Scared.  Just like he was.  They were all changing in subtle ways and that was ok.  Maybe he didn’t need to be the peacemaker in every fight.  Even if he wasn’t around for that they still needed him.

Haru kept flipping the pages of his magazine, not really reading any of it, and glanced up when he got to the last page.  Makoto was watching him and when their eyes met he tilted his head to the side they way he always did.  Haru shrugged and shut the magazine.

Maybe they’d never be the same friends again.  Maybe everything had changed.  Makoto thought as Haru sat down on the other side of him giving a rare smile when Gou leaned in between them and relaxed against the wall as Rin eyed her.  Nagisa let out a sniffle and nuzzled into Makoto, nearly choking Rin, and Makoto let out his first smile since the day he had left.  They were all a little screwed up and maybe they wouldn’t be friends next year.  But this is where he felt most comfortable and it was as good enough for now he supposed.  That nagging feeling that he didn’t know who he was anymore was still in the back of his mind.  But at least right now, at this very moment, surrounded by his friends it was hidden so well he could forget about it today.


End file.
